(And I'm sure my readers are done hearing about it.)
I want to know if my baby has Down Syndrome. It is literally driving me crazy. I think about it constantly. I worry about it constantly. I pray about it constantly.
This morning I actually went so far as to call my doctor's office to schedule an Amnio. I came to the conclusion that I needed to know, that I could not physically survive without knowing for the next 5 months. But as I waited for my doctor to call back, I started thinking about the risks. I found three different statistics for the rate of miscarriage, and I'm sure I could find more if I kept looking. What if I lost my baby? That would kill me. I'm not being dramatic when I say that, I think the loss would literally destroy me. What if I delivered a severely premature baby? Any baby born that early would have some kind of handicap, and I will have caused it!
I tell myself, and others, that the reason I need to know is so that I can prepare for his arrival (find a Special Needs Pediatrician, join a support group, do some extensive reading, etc); but I think the real reason I need to know is to begin processing and accepting. I accept my child regardless of having Down Syndrome, three heads, or any other abnormality. I love him. My biggest fear, what I refuse to accept, is the cruelty that he will face throughout his entire life. High school especially. But that is not reason enough to risk his life.
So far every test and ultrasound has indicated a happy and healthy baby, and given no reason to worry about his ability to survive the remainder of gestation or life outside the womb. Plenty of DS babies have been born without any extra special preparation beforehand, and they and their families were just fine. So that's that. No Amnio and no MaterniT21. This is in God's hands. The Level II Ultrasound and Echo are scheduled for April 2, but those are mandatory due to having the early Anatomy Scan Ultrasound. Thoughts and prayers for Babe are very much appreciated. Thank you all for the love and support. My internet family has grown over the weeks and has been more helpful than I could ever say.
Taylor, I am so proud of you... so very proud. Your son is just fine, no matter what, because he is being born in a wise and loving environment. People will be cruel in this world.... they'll judge, they'll poke and prod at your weaknesses and no anticipation or planning will prepare you for those moments. But.... and I love this but, I've learned so much from Kelle Hampton over the past two years of reading her blog, there is more kindness and love in this world than cruelty. It's unfortunate that cruelty is the noisy minority. So, rather than fear and anticipate what may be, and spend the time worrying, we'll spend our time loving and celebrating and spreading the kindness and love. That makes a better world for everyone, not just those born with an extra special something.
ReplyDeleteI cannot wait to meet you in person. And prayers are continuing for you, Lucy and Babalou.... Big sisters need em too!
I need to remember that about kindness outweighing cruelty. I can't wait to meet you, my dear, we must schedule some girl time soon! Thank you so, so much for your kind words and prayers. They mean the world. *hugs*
DeleteSince my monster long text wasn't enough - I think you're amazing. It takes a special person to accept what they can't change, and to make the best of messy situations. Which you constantly adapt to.
ReplyDelete*sky high high-fives all around*
Baby boy is loved so much. And will continue to be loved in infinite amounts, no matter his chromosome count. His life is deserving of that, and you are one spectacular person.
::high five::
DeleteThank you for always being so supportive, Jaye! You are one of the reasons I was able to write this post. *hugs*
I'm so glad to hear that you have decided to let God handle this one. Your baby boy is loved and cherished regardless of the number of chromosomes he rocks. If he happens to have down syndrome, you will be supported and loved, and if he doesnt have down syndrome, you will be supported and loved!!! From reading your blog- I have no doubt you will be the PERFECT mother for your son regardless!
ReplyDeleteSending prayers and love your way!
Lindsey, your comment brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your support and prayers. *hugs*
DeleteI think this is a good decision. I think you will be more relaxed this way.
ReplyDeleteI think (hope) so too. I have felt at peace with the situation since coming to this decision. :-)
DeleteI am so proud of you Taylor. You've taken control of what you can, and let go of the things you can not change. Little Boy Blue is perfect in every way that is his own, no matter what, and we all love him so very much!
ReplyDeleteWe (and our team of prayer warriors and prayer network) continue to pray for you, for Lucy, and for your amazing Little Boy Blue! We can NOT wait to meet this amazing little boy!
Love you guys!
Thank you, Jenn! I am so grateful for all of the prayers you've sent our way. Love you! *hugs*
DeleteI can't imagine having to debate this and I understand Borg arguments. I hope that you have found peace with your desk ion as I think it may be for the best.
ReplyDeleteBTW I tagged you in a post at my blog, www.myorganizedchaos.bkigspot.com. Check it out!
I don't know if you have done this already or not, but I tagged you in a survey thing about yourself.
ReplyDeletehttp://denveradventures.blogspot.com/2012/03/11-things.html
Sweetie, my results were 1:10 chances ds, the ultrasounds were perfect and so was the baby when he was born... I know how stressful it can be, but remember those blood screening tests aren't accurate at all.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your pregnancy!