(And I'm sure my readers are done hearing about it.)
I want to know if my baby has Down Syndrome. It is literally driving me crazy. I think about it constantly. I worry about it constantly. I pray about it constantly.
This morning I actually went so far as to call my doctor's office to schedule an Amnio. I came to the conclusion that I needed to know, that I could not physically survive without knowing for the next 5 months. But as I waited for my doctor to call back, I started thinking about the risks. I found three different statistics for the rate of miscarriage, and I'm sure I could find more if I kept looking. What if I lost my baby? That would kill me. I'm not being dramatic when I say that, I think the loss would literally destroy me. What if I delivered a severely premature baby? Any baby born that early would have some kind of handicap, and I will have caused it!
I tell myself, and others, that the reason I need to know is so that I can prepare for his arrival (find a Special Needs Pediatrician, join a support group, do some extensive reading, etc); but I think the real reason I need to know is to begin processing and accepting. I accept my child regardless of having Down Syndrome, three heads, or any other abnormality. I love him. My biggest fear, what I refuse to accept, is the cruelty that he will face throughout his entire life. High school especially. But that is not reason enough to risk his life.
So far every test and ultrasound has indicated a happy and healthy baby, and given no reason to worry about his ability to survive the remainder of gestation or life outside the womb. Plenty of DS babies have been born without any extra special preparation beforehand, and they and their families were just fine. So that's that. No Amnio and no MaterniT21. This is in God's hands. The Level II Ultrasound and Echo are scheduled for April 2, but those are mandatory due to having the early Anatomy Scan Ultrasound. Thoughts and prayers for Babe are very much appreciated. Thank you all for the love and support. My internet family has grown over the weeks and has been more helpful than I could ever say.