Thursday, December 13, 2012

That time I had to cut Parker out of his onesie.

Yesterday marked the 7th day in Parker's pooping strike.  I mentioned this to Grampy, and he decided to give Car Car a good bouncing.  After nearly 45 minutes of bouncing, my dad said, "Don't be surprised if he poops later."  And he was right.  Parker pooped later.  Parker pooped A LOT.  And it was literally the scariest shit I have ever seen.

((Prepare yourself, because I'm about to give a minute by minute recap of the event.))

Parker was in his jumperoo when he suddenly became very fussy.  Since the boy almost never fusses, I picked him up immediately.  He smelled awful.  Huh, guess he finally pooped...  

::walking to the nursery::  Oh God, this is going to suck.

I laid him on the floor of the nursery, expecting to find poop up and down his pant legs; but after a quick inspection, I was surprised to find the leg gussets holding strong.  I put a new diaper under him and peeled open the diaper he was wearing...and that's when I noticed that the new diaper was suddenly covered in poop.  What the hell??  How did that get there?!   I rolled Parker to one side and saw what looked like massive love handles in his onesie; but they weren't love handles.  Babies don't have love handles.  It was gobs and gobs of yellow shit.  It was freakish.  I lifted the onesie and his entire back-- up to his friggin armpits-- was covered.

I froze.  What the hell do I do??  Why did this have to happen when Casey wasn't home?  Maybe we should wait for him.... Or maybe I should call someone.  Who the hell can I call??

That's when I realized all this crap was about to ooze onto the rug.  I stuffed a burpie under his butt and bolted into the kitchen for scissors and a towel-- all while yelling, "LUCY, DON'T TOUCH THE POOP!" over and over again.

There was no way to pull the onesie over his head.  So I started snipping.  (Fortunately he was wearing one of those cheap white Gerber onesies underneath his outfit, so it wasn't much of a sacrifice.  Can you believe it was the one time I actually listened to my mom about dressing the kids in layers??  Go figure.)  All I could think was, I can't believe I'm literally cutting a piece of clothing off my kid.  I sat him up and started wiping him down.  His back, his belly, his arms and wrists, his thighs.  Then I transferred him to the towel and re-wiped him.  I threw out the massive, poopy heap of burp cloth, diapers, and approximately 10,000 wipes, and plopped Parker in the bath.

Parker's all, "You'll get over it, Ma." 

Absolutely.horrifying. Do you think this is bad karma for switching to disposables?

PS - Lucy pooped on the kitchen floor tonight.  So, overall, not a good poop week for the Shelton household.  

1 comment:

  1. 7 days was totally my daughters normal, and she had the 'poopsplosion' just the same way. I stopped putting onesies on her because she loaded them up and either you cut them or pull it over their head (yuck!). Not pooping is a normal trait in breastfed babies. As long as the poops come about once a week and are profuse (sounds like his was) and soft like toothpaste. Have fun in the no poop stage!