Thursday, July 28, 2011

I don't see you enough.

I don't see you enough. 

Everyday, when I have to leave you, I ask God why.  Why do I have to leave her?  Why do I have to go to work?  Why can't I just stay with her forever?

My favorite part of the day is coming home and seeing you smile.  When I walk through the door, your face lights up with the biggest smile the world has ever seen.  You bounce up and down, and gurgle with excitement.  You tell me all about your day and give me a big, drool-filled kiss.



My second favorite part of the day is bedtime.  Specifically those last few minutes before we both fall asleep...when we're laying there quietly, just staring at each other sleepily, holding hands and drifting away.  I savor those 5-10 minutes, because one day I know I'll blink and you'll be too big for bed-sharing.  Too big for breastfeeding.  Too big for cuddling.

I don't see you enough.

Whoever said 12 10 weeks postpartum was sufficient?  I think a year would be better.  And I think never again would be even better than that.  Maternity leave flew by.  I was in such a sleep deprived daze, just trying to survive being a new mom, that I didn't realize how fleeting time really was.  I didn't appreciate each and every moment the way I should have.

Every day I go to work, because I have to work.  Every day I stare at your pictures on my phone and pray that one day I can stay home with you.  And every day I get more and more miserable. 

I should be the one you show your belly to...
I don't see you enough. 

You are my baby.  My precious little baby girl that I carried in my belly for over 38 weeks.  We were always together.  And for those first ten weeks of your life, we were always together.  I feel like mothers shouldn't have to work (unless they want to...  Then, by all means, knock your socks off!).  I'd live in a cardboard box, with no cell phone, no vacations, no anything, if it meant I could be with you all day everyday.  Unfortunately, I don't think CPS would approve of the whole cardboard box thing.

I should be there for nakey baby time...


I always knew that I would love to be a stay at home mom, but I never knew I'd need to be a stay at home mom.


How about you mommas?  How do you feel about your decision to stay home or work?  Is anyone else in the process of trying to become a SAHM?  
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5 comments:

  1. UnknownJuly 28, 2011 at 7:55 AM

    I am lucky to be able to stay at home. I hope you can be able to do the same soon!

    ReplyDelete
  2. E @ Life on a QuiltJuly 28, 2011 at 8:19 AM

    Oh this just breaks my heart for you!

    I work for a school so I am home for the summer but will be going back in less than a month (eek!).

    BUT, I'm super lucky that they let me bring J to work with me. Is your job such that this might be possible?

    ReplyDelete
  3. BrittanyJuly 28, 2011 at 8:35 AM

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I go through days where I feel the same way about leaving the twins because for us I have to work so we can pay our bills and all I want to do is stay at home and take care of the little ones. So many other countries have much better maternity leave plans then we do here.

    ReplyDelete
  4. About a MomJuly 28, 2011 at 8:43 AM

    I am sorry you are having such a difficult time returning to work. I hope it gets easier for you. Thanks so much for stopping by and linking up for the Wild Wednesday Hop! Hope to see you back soon!

    ReplyDelete
  5. TaylorJuly 28, 2011 at 5:40 PM

    @Jet, no I cannot bring Lucy to work with me. I wish I could :( You are VERY lucky!

    I'm on the hunt for a part time job closer to home. The working mom transition is supposed to get easier each day, but so far I just get more and more depressed.

    ReplyDelete

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