More changes

Remember when I talked about how the baking biz was hectic around Christmas time?  And how I thought it'd eventually get easier to juggle all these chainsaws?

Well, it hasn't gotten easier.  My anxiety is at it's peak.  The holiday rush is through, but now I've developed somewhat of a presence and custom orders have increased.  Then there's the farmers market every week; I have to bake and package upwards of 20 dozen cookies between 8 pm on Wednesday and 8 am Thursday- so that everything is fresh.  It's hard.  It's especially hard because I started offering a wide variety of flavors (7 or more).  Which means I make 7 LARGE batches of dough, wash the mixer in between each batch, and bake them on two racks at a time...because for some God forsaken reason, our third oven rack is missing.  Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to start the process after taking care of the kids all day?? 

The market has been a great source of advertising and cash flow on the weeks that I don't have as many custom orders; but on the weeks that I do have a lot of custom orders, the market is a huge challenge.  Once all the baking is done, I still have to survive the actual market; schlepping the tent, tables, product, all the other little things, selling product and networking.  (All with limited food and water, bathroom and pumping breaks.) 

It's hard to be friendly under those circumstances.  It's hard to make the correct change.  It's hard to bite my tongue when some old dude complains about my prices (which are well below competition, mind you). And it's really hard when I don't sell much; it feels like all that stress was for nothing. 

As someone that loves to shop at farmers markets, I had no idea how much work was involved for the vendors.  I have earned a completely new respect for them. 

The market has been a nice little pay day each week, usually enough to pay a few bills.  But it's costing me my happiness (and sometimes my sanity).  So, I'm done.  I'm happy that I gave it a try; I know that I did my best; I know that I could keep going, and keep sacrificing myself, but I don't want to.  I'll still take custom orders, but I imagine those will dwindle without advertising.  Yesterday was my last market.

There are more changes to come, but this is the first and biggest...  Stay tuned, peeps.

The Other Me

Do you ever wonder about the parallel universe where the other you lives?  You know, the part of you that chose the opposite in every decision you ever made...  I don't usually, but yesterday I found myself wondering about her.

What if I didn't marry Casey 4 years ago?

I would have finished my bachelors degree.
I would be an accountant or an underwriter where my mom works.
I would have a substantial salary and I would spend it selfishly.
I would buy $5 coffees, schedule massages every month and sign up for a gym membership.
I would wish for a boyfriend and wonder why I didn't have one.
I would be obsessed with my weight and my appearance.
I wouldn't have many friends; instead, I would cling to my siblings despite growing apart from them.
I would have time to myself.  Too much time.  I would be lonely.

I wouldn't be happy. 

I wouldn't have two little people at home that love me and need me.  Two little people that I love more than anything else-- even cake.  Two little people that I would do anything for.  Two little smiles that are contagious and impossible not to return.  Two big, chubby bellies that are meant to be squeezed and tickled.

I wouldn't know love.

Our life is not perfect.  Our life is not what I expected it to be or what I daydreamed about in high school.  Life is hard.  And hectic.  And messy.  And sometimes unfair.  (Another lesson learned!)  But I have no regrets and I don't envy that girl.   

M is for Mother, not Maid.

I am a stay at home mom, not a stay at home maid.  I cannot be both.  I have been trying so hard to be both, and it is making me crazy.  So, I'm done trying.  If the kids are awake, I will not attempt to clean or do laundry.

Back in August, at the end of my very first day alone with the two kids, Casey walked in the door from work and said (sarcastically), "Wow, the house looks nice..."  I was so mad and so hurt; it was a really challenging day, and I was proud of myself just for keeping the kids alive.  For once, I didn't care that the house was a mess.  I knew Casey was joking, but that comment gave me a complex.  From then on, I felt like I needed to prove myself everyday.  Toys put away, kids dressed and happy, dinner started, grocery shopping and laundry done, bills paid.  All with a smile.

It was difficult, because I was waking up with the kids; I had no kid-free time to do any work around the house.  It would take the whole day to empty the dishwasher, because I'd put away 2 things and would have to pick up Parker or go play with Lucy.  I was frustrated with myself and I felt like Casey was silently judging me every time he came home.  I told myself the house was my responsibility, since he works full time and earns the majority of our income.  It was too much, though.  I was defeated before the day even started. I felt depressed and worthless, and it made me way less fun to be around.

It took me a long time, but I finally came to terms with the fact that I had to start waking up before the kids.  So, for the past month, I've been getting up with Casey almost everyday...at 5 am.  (And, for the record, there are still some nights that I stay up until 12, 1 and 2 am baking.)  I even made a weekly chore schedule: Mondays - meal plan and shopping list, Tuesdays - laundry, etc. It seems to have helped somewhat.  (I've also scaled back the baking operation to just one farmers market per week and custom orders; set some remodeling goals to help be more organized; and lowered my expectations in general.)

I cannot tell you how much less of an uptight bitch I am when I get enough sleep, the house is somewhat put together, and I don't have to bake.  I actually feel happy.  I actually enjoy my kids and being home.  Amazing, huh??

Birth Control

I got an IUD yesterday.  (Holy shit was that unpleasant.)

We are done having kids.  It was hard to admit at first, and it's still sort of surreal to think (empty nesters at 40??  What!)-- but I grow more comfortable with this decision every single day.  I want to clarify that this has nothing very little to do with having 2U2.  We have our reasons...we have quite a few reasons, actually.  And I'm going to share them, so that when my uterus is green with envy, I can tell it to STFU.

Reason #1:  We are spread too thin.  I constantly worry that Parker isn't given the same amount of attention as Lucy was when she was his age.  And it's only going to get harder as they get older and become more involved.  I want to be close to my kids, and I worry that that wouldn't be possible if our time were further divided.

Reason #2:  The cost.  Diapers, clothes, food, Christmas presents, COLLEGE, etc...  We don't make a lot of money, and that's not something that is going to change anytime soon.  I want to be able to give our children as much as we can.

Reason #3:  Planes, Trains and Automobiles.  And houses.  We don't travel a lot now...  Travel wouldn't happen at all, if anymore kids were thrown in the mix; the cost and effort required would be ridiculous.  We'd also need a bigger car and house. 

Reason #4:  Two is hard, three (or more) is impossible.  I'm in "Survivor Mode" 95% of the week as is.  Diaper changes, feeding everyone, cleaning......I get exhausted thinking about it all.  It is daunting.  Getting out the door takes two people or two hours.  I don't have enough arms, eyes or hours in the day. 

Reason #5:  I hate odd numbers.  I come from a family of five.  Do you know how awkward it is to get a table for 5?  Or who had to sit alone on the roller coaster?  THIS GIRL.  I was always left out; and I refuse to do that to my kids.  That being said, if we are blessed with a third child, I will feel obligated to have a fourth just to level the playing field.  And there is NO WAY I can handle 4 kids.  (See Reason #4.)

I'll miss the excitement of getting a big fat positive pregnancy test and preparing for baby; I will miss the anticipation; most of all, I will miss the big belly.  I'll never know if I could have had a pain med-free birth.  I'll miss the infant milestones and teeny tiny clothes.  I'll always wonder what our other children might have looked like.  But I know (99.9% sure) that this is what's best for our family. 


And, while we're not on the subject at all, can I just say that I hate how much I've neglected this blog.

Pumping Problems and Being Disorganized

There are 168 hours in a week, and, between my two farmers markets, I am away from the kids for 15 of those hours.  In terms of breastfeeding, that means I need to pump approximately 5 bottles for Parker.  In reality, I have a hard time scrounging up even 1 or 2 bottles most weeks.  Which means my mom or my dad, or Casey, has to bring Parker to me to nurse on those days.  It's inconvenient for them, and I feel kind of douchey for putting them in that situation.  Yet formula is not an option.  It's an added expense and I worry that supplementing with 1 or 2 bottles will eventually increase into 3, 4, and 5 bottles...until we're just a formula family entirely.  And for what?  So I can bake??  No thanks.

One reason it's so difficult for me to find time to pump is because I'm with Parker the other 153 hours of the week.  My one chance to pump is during his first, long stretch of sleep every night-- so that's going to start happening.  I've also begun taking Fenugreek, because my supply always seems to dip after the markets.  It's impossible for me to pump or nurse regularly on those days; and, last Thursday, I went over 8 hours without either.  Uncomfortable and bad for supply.

(I know this isn't the most riveting blog post, but it's one more way for me to be held accountable.)

((Also, I'd like to remember these little things one day.  I will most likely laugh at myself for being so dramatic.))

But the other reason it's so hard for me to pump (or do anything, really) is because I am so incredibly disorganized.  Everything is hard for me.  Pumping, making a grocery list, meal planning and executing said meal plan, folding the laundry, showering, talking to people, the list goes on and on.  I will go grocery shopping, buy $100 worth of food, and still not know what to make for dinner.  I feel so overwhelmed and just plain weird.  Like I'm imbalanced.  I never used to be this way!  Thoughts will cross my mind, but I have a hard time getting those thoughts on paper (because 10 other things will pop into my head, and I'll forget the original thought); so those thoughts never become actions and I get frustrated, and it's basically one big, stupid cycle.  Am I depressed?  Am I just stupid or a total cry baby??  This is not me. 

I could have implemented this pumping schedule and Fenugreek popping back in November, when I started doing these markets, but I didn't.  And even though my mom and Casey reminded me that I needed to start pumping EVERY WEEK, I didn't.  I said, "Yeah, I know.  It's on my list."  (My list of shit that never gets done...)  I have never been such a scatterbrain.  I'm pretty sure it all has to do with the bakery.  Because on the days where I'm just Momma, not Momma + Baker, I'm a lot less likely to cry and hide.  I love baking, and it's been so fun to participate in farmers markets and receive so much positive feedback about my cookies; but a part of me wonders knows it was the wrong time to launch.  (You know, less than two months after Parker was born.)  I wanted to (needed to) help contribute to our household financially after I left my full-time job.  Everything comes down to money.  (One of the awesome things about being a young family!)

I underestimated this bakery-- the amount of work, time and money it takes to start and maintain a business.  Combined with the amount of work it takes to run a household full time, I'm zapped.  I'm juggling more than I ever have.  But I can't just quit.  I have too much invested in this venture, and I enjoy it most of the time.  I keep promising myself that it's going to get easier, that I'll develop a more streamlined schedule via meal planning and chore charts and weekly planners.  But what happens when those things don't help?  Um, I'll crash and burn.  That's what.

So that's that.  A promise to pump and still totally frazzled.  I guess, if anything, this proves that I am loooong overdue for a visit with my therapist, yes?  Any suggestions on how to suck less are welcome! (Or meal plans, or extra limbs/more hours in the day/a massage, etc etc.)

Lesson Learned

This isn't a business blog, but I have to briefly talk about the ridiculousness that is owning a bakery during the holidays...

The bakery turned out to be a huge undertaking.  Whodathunkit??  (Someone, please, remind me never to start a business during the holiday rush again.)  We made well over 200 dozen cookies between Thanksgiving and New Years.  There was the farmers market every week, custom orders, corporate orders, and even two special events.

I never expected such a high demand.  It was encouraging, flattering, and scary all at the same time.  I was taking care of the kids all day long and baking all night long-- most nights (mornings?), I didn't go to bed until 2 am.  My life was literally kids and cookies for one month.  I didn't shower, sleep, or eat nearly as often as I should have; I didn't keep in touch with friends; and I didn't get to do every single thing on my Christmas bucket list (namely Zoolights and the Russo Family Baking Marathon).

The holidays totally kicked my ass.  I learned a lot, though, and, next year, I expect to be the one doing the ass-kicking.  And you, readers, can expect to be hearing from me a little more often now.

Dear kiddos, dream big...

Today, I had my first farmers market.

(You know, for my bakery.)

It was a lot of work.  It was chaotic and stressful, and I haven't gone to bed before 2:00 am in 3 days.  It was a dream come true.

Since I was 7 or 8 years old, entering coffee cakes into the baked goods exhibit at the Durham Fair, I have wanted to be a baker.  Grammy can attest to this.  I don't know if this business will grow into something more (like a storefront...in Flag...), but I do know how great a feeling it is to finally say that I am a baker. 

And, because of that, I want you to know that I fully support your dreams.  Truck driver, dance teacher, astrophysicist, CFO of Something Sweet...whatever.  I will be there for you.  I will come to your house at 7:00 am with coffee and bagels, help you package and label cookies, help set up a canopy sans instruction manual, and "hold down the fort" when you have to pee or breastfeed-- or, you know, whatever you need me to do...  I love you both, and I will do whatever I can to make your dreams come true.

Top 5 Ways I've Changed as a Second Time Mom

Some people are proud of me for making these changes; they think this means I've become "laid back".  (I personally think it means I'm a little burnt out.)

1.  I don't care if you see my boobs.  Breastfeeding discretely is a huge pain in the ass.  I hate ALL breastfeeding covers.  (They may claim to be "hands free", but they never are.)  If you see my boobs, consider yourself lucky.  Or don't.  I don't care.

2.  Immune to crying.  It used to make me very nervous and uncomfortable; but now, to be perfectly honest, crying annoys the hell out of me.  When Lucy would start crying as a baby, I would drop everything and RUN to her.  That kind of behavior just isn't always feasible when you're taking care of two kids. (Like when you're elbow-deep in a poopy diaper.)

3.  Showering is overrated.  And for that matter, so is cleaning house. 

4.  Germs, germs, germs.  Bring 'em on!  Dude has already had his first bout of congestion and diaper rash.  Not the end of the world. 

5.  Separation Anxiety.  I don't has it.  I know the value of a little break every now and then.  It's important for me to regroup and have a chance to miss my kids.  (Not that I've had an abundance of opportunity to do so...)  I've decided to join a yoga class to ensure that little break happens at least once each week.


Did your attitude change after your second baby was born?

Some pretty cool things that have happened recently...

(said with a hefty dose of sarcasm)

1.  That little yeast rash on Lucy's buttcheek is actually a STAPH INFECTION.  It's inflamed, it's spreading, and it's contagious.

2.  While at the doctor's office, waiting to have said infection diagnosed, Lucy fell on her face.  (Not a big deal, though, she falls constantly.)  She began to (silently) pick herself up, when this ancient, moronic woman gasped and shouted, "Oh my God, OH MY GOD!  That has to hurt!!  Oh my God, the poor baby!"  And then Lucy had the most epic of meltdowns.   

3.  I had my first night completely to myself on Tuesday.  Casey was at his softball game and the kids went down (and stayed down) by 8:00.  I was all set to watch the fall premieres on Hulu (with beer and popcorn in hand) when I realized that my laptop's battery was dead-- because apparently our charger is broken.

4.  In a recent effort to save a couple bucks on the heinous amounts of diaper rash cream that I purchase, I chose the generic brand...  That night, as I squeezed and squeezed that stupid tube, the damn cream exploded out the wrong end-- all over MY side of the bed. 

Add to that a lizard in my kitchen sink, a wicked cut from shaving, and my body's reluctance to shed these last 10 pounds, and you've got yourself one pissy lady.  /bangs gavel

 

Busy Baking

I'm a busy person.  I am never content to sit still and enjoy the moment.  Here's what I mean by that...most moms use their maternity leave to rest, adjust to motherhood, and snuggle their new baby; but not me.  I am not like most moms.  My maternity leave is being used to start my own business.  My own bakery.  

Something Sweet by Tay is a family-owned and operated bakery primarily serving the Phoenix metropolitan area.  We offer all sorts of yummy things:  cookies, cupcakes, younameit.  If you're craving it, we can bake it.  Our specialty is Royal Icing Sugar Cookies.  They are unique, delicious, and completely customizable.  Served on a platter or as favors, these cookies are the perfect ending to any event. 

I hope you'll wish me luck on this adventure (and/or keep me in mind for all future baking needs).  As a thank you for your support I'm offering my readers a 15 percent discount through October 31, just mention Growing Baby Shelton when placing your order.  And be sure to "like" our Facebook page for future monthly specials and giveaways!

(If you're located outside of Arizona, don't feel bad!  Our Royal Icing Sugar Cookies can be shipped!!!) 

I missed breastfeeding

I did not miss the leaky boobs.

(My kids will appreciate that I blogged about this in the years to come.  I know it.)

Product Review: Dove Daily Moisture Conditioner

Fact:  I have dry hair...even after chopping off 10+ inches.     

Every time I get my hair cut, my hair dresser asks me what conditioner I've been using.  I then lie and say that I've been using an expensive salon brand to avoid her sales pitch.  I do this because I don't want to be lectured can't justify spending $20 on one bottle of conditioner.

Living in Arizona doesn't help matters.  Between the triple-digit temperatures and all that time spent in the pool (because of said triple-digit temperatures) my hair resembles that of a scarecrow.

Enter Dove Daily Moisture Conditioner.  Not only does it fall within my budget, it restores my hair to a silky smooth, healthy state.  Dove Daily Moisture Conditioner is made with a patented Micro Moisture Serum that replenishes essential moisture, and also protects hair from future moisture loss.  It's thick, rich formula targets the damaged hair and provides the nourishment needed for repair.

I love this conditioner.  (And Casey loves the way it makes my hair smell!)  I saw noticeable results within days of using this product.  No more frizz and no more straw; my hair is now soft and shiny.  I've even used my flat iron every day this week and haven't had a single flyaway or static.  Another reason I love this conditioner, it is virtually weightless.  I've been less than impressed with the conditioning treatments of other brands - my hair was left feeling greasy and gross; but, Dove Daily Moisture Conditioner delivered.  It made my hair feel light and natural.  (Now the real test will be when I see my hair dresser next...)             

Do you notice that your hair tends to become dry and rough in the summer months? Give Dove Daily Moisture Conditioner a try!

---

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Almost August

There is one more day until Parker's birth month... 

And just a few days until he's full term. 

Parker's Arrival Poll had to come down a little earlier than expected, but here are the results:

(Really hoping that the 5 who voted for the week of July 30 are right!  Maybe with the full moon??)

To say I'm surprised that we made it this far would be a drastic understatement.  There were times that I didn't feel comfortable planning dinner, because I wasn't sure if the contractions would stop...  There were times that I worried our little guy would have to stay in the NICU...   And suddenly the focus has shifted from "keeping her pregnant" to "getting that baby out" (both phrases used by my doctor).

I admit that I'm scared, but I'm also ready.  I can practically feel my adrenaline boiling, just waiting for labor to begin.  I'm ready for Parker to be in my arms and not in my belly.  I'm ready to be home with my kids.  I'm ready to lay on my stomach and wear regular clothes.  I'm ready for a BIG glass of vino.  


And, in my defense, while it may seem strange to be this impatient at "only" 36 weeks and 3 days, I was told at 30 weeks gestation that he could be born in as little as two weeks...  So I mentally prepared myself for a much shorter pregnancy and a preemie. Combine that with all the preterm contractions, and you've got yourself one very frustrated pregnant lady.

If you are pregnant, buy this skirt:

Maybe you've noticed, maybe you haven't, but I've been living in this skirt since Friday night...it's THAT comfortable.  (Don't believe me?  Check out Sunday and Monday's posts.)  Everyone, expecting or trying, go now and buy this skirt.  Also, buy these tank tops while you're at it.

Mental notes from my evening

Sprayed my feet with the diaper sprayer.  MY FEET.
Pre-made baby food is a godsend.
Found whole peas in my kid's diaper.
Make sure blankie is in her crib before putting her down, or she will have a melt down. 
Life is exponentially better with the top button of my pants undone. 
That episode of Glee, really?
I need to go to bed earlier.

The New Me

Likey the new do?

I've missed blogging, and I'm back!  The past two weeks have been life-changing; I'm not going to go into detail, but to make a long story short, I was overwhelmed.  And as a result the Shelton Household is undergoing some very drastic change; which means you may notice a change in future blogging frequency.  Promise not to take another 2 week hiatus, though!

There is a lot to catch up on, but we'll save that for tomorrow or the next day.  In the past two weeks we've celebrated Lulu's first Thanksgiving, ended our beloved bed-sharing career in favor of CIO, rearranged our living room furniture, our heater broke just in time for Arizona's cold weather, and I hacked off 7 inches of my hair.

So like I said, there's a new Taylor in town.  The old Me is long gone.  I.am.done being Frumpy Girl.  New hair, new clothes, new attitude.  I love being a mother, but that's not all there is to me.  I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend.  And it's about time I start acting like it.

Are my standards too high?

I expect that when couscous spills all over the kitchen floor, it be vaccumed up.  Not kicked under the cabinet.

I expect our guests to not wear jeans to our (very clearly black tie) wedding. 

I expect family and friends to be supportive and respectful of our decisions.  Not the exact opposite. 

And I damn well expect our Pediatrician to call me back in a timely manner when my daughter hasn't pooped in SIX days!


In my opinion, certain things in life should be a given.  Apparently that makes me a huge pain in the ass...   So you tell me, am I off my rocker?