There are 168 hours in a week, and, between my two farmers markets, I am away from the kids for 15 of those hours. In terms of breastfeeding, that means I need to pump approximately 5 bottles for Parker. In reality, I have a hard time scrounging up even 1 or 2 bottles most weeks. Which means my mom or my dad, or Casey, has to bring Parker to me to nurse on those days. It's inconvenient for them, and I feel kind of douchey for putting them in that situation. Yet formula is not an option. It's an added expense and I worry that supplementing with 1 or 2 bottles will eventually increase into 3, 4, and 5 bottles...until we're just a formula family entirely. And for what? So I can bake?? No thanks.
One reason it's so difficult for me to find time to pump is because I'm with Parker the other 153 hours of the week. My one chance to pump is during his first, long stretch of sleep every night-- so that's going to start happening. I've also begun taking Fenugreek, because my supply always seems to dip after the markets. It's impossible for me to pump or nurse regularly on those days; and, last Thursday, I went over 8 hours without either. Uncomfortable and bad for supply.
(I know this isn't the most riveting blog post, but it's one more way for me to be held accountable.)
((Also, I'd like to remember these little things one day. I will most likely laugh at myself for being so dramatic.))
But the other reason it's so hard for me to pump (or do anything, really) is because I am so incredibly disorganized. Everything is hard for me. Pumping, making a grocery list, meal planning and executing said meal plan, folding the laundry, showering, talking to people, the list goes on and on. I will go grocery shopping, buy $100 worth of food, and still not know what to make for dinner. I feel so overwhelmed and just plain weird. Like I'm imbalanced. I never used to be this way! Thoughts will cross my mind, but I have a hard time getting those thoughts on paper (because 10 other things will pop into my head, and I'll forget the original thought); so those thoughts never become actions and I get frustrated, and it's basically one big, stupid cycle. Am I depressed? Am I just stupid or a total cry baby??
This is not me.
I could have implemented this pumping schedule and Fenugreek popping back in November, when I started doing these markets, but I didn't. And even though my mom and Casey reminded me that I needed to start pumping EVERY WEEK, I didn't. I said, "Yeah, I know. It's on my list." (My list of shit that never gets done...) I have never been such a scatterbrain. I'm pretty sure it all has to do with the bakery. Because on the days where I'm just Momma, not Momma + Baker, I'm a lot less likely to cry and hide. I love baking, and it's been so fun to participate in farmers markets and receive so much positive feedback about my cookies; but a part of me
wonders knows it was the wrong time to launch. (You know, less than two months after Parker was born.) I wanted to (needed to) help contribute to our household financially after I left my full-time job. Everything comes down to money. (One of the awesome things about being a young family!)
I underestimated this bakery-- the amount of work, time and
money it takes to start and maintain a business. Combined with the amount of work it takes to run a household full time, I'm zapped. I'm juggling more than I ever have. But I can't just quit. I have too much invested in this venture, and I enjoy it
most of the time. I keep promising myself that it's going to get easier, that I'll develop a more streamlined schedule via meal planning and chore charts and weekly planners. But what happens when those things don't help?
Um, I'll crash and burn. That's what.
So that's that. A promise to pump and still totally frazzled. I guess, if anything, this proves that I am loooong overdue for a visit with my therapist, yes? Any suggestions on how to suck less are welcome!
(Or meal plans, or extra limbs/more hours in the day/a massage, etc etc.)
