Dysfunctional

This is the first time I've felt like writing in a long time.

Life is hard again.  Really fucking hard.  And I'm pissed about it.  I'm sad.  I'm depressed.  I'm disgusted.  I wish I could lay in bed for a week and cry, but I can't.  I have to keep moving forward and put on my happy face for my babes.  I can't let them see how broken I am.  My insides have crumbled, and I'm just an empty shell of Taylor.  I have so many emotions running through my head, and yet I'm numb all over.

And that's why it's been so hard to write.  It's hard to enjoy anything. 

So much has happened in the past month, though...  Parker is on the verge of walking; he turned 10 months on Thursday.  I have to start planning his birthday party.  Lucy has been begging us to sit on the potty and she's climbing all over the counters.  I've been working 50+ hours a week (nights and weekends - so I'm still home and taking care of my kidlets for the majority of the day); and I got my first promotion.  I've been attending night classes.  Casey got laid off.  I've killed three basil plants and learned how to make kick ass hummus.  My dad broke his hip (again).  But, most importantly, my marriage has ended. 

I wrote very briefly about our separation here.  I chose to limit the details not for my or my husband's privacy, but for the sake of our children.  I didn't want them to flip through their baby book one day and find un-flattering posts about their parents.  But I've decided to open up (to an extent) today, because I don't know what the future holds for us.  I don't know if we can glue this shattered marriage back together again.

We separated on New Year's Eve in 2011.  Casey left me.  It was unexpected and it was crushing.  I knew I had issues, but by the time I was ready to seek help, it was too late for us.  I was negative, I was controlling, I was all work and no play.  I understood why he didn't want to be with me anymore.  So I threw myself into therapy and anger management, and I re-built myself.  It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I did it.  My family and friends witnessed the entire process.  I learned patience, forgiveness, acceptance.  I learned to let the little things go.  And I learned the importance of having fun every now and then.  I did it.  And then Casey and I got back together in March of 2012.  I never stopped loving him, and I felt like I had been reunited with my other half when he walked back into my life.

Everyone was apprehensive of our reconciliation.  He left on such shitty terms.  It was terrifying to think that he would do it again.  So I tried my hardest to be the best wife possible.  I applied everything I learned during our separation, and I think know that I did a damn good job.  Sure, it was hard with the pregnancy complications and the newborn phase.  It got even harder when I left my full-time job to be a stay at home mom, and money got tight...  I started baking to help with our bills, which really amplified my anxiety.  But, being the best wife and mother was always my priority.  I would constantly analyze our interactions to make sure everyone was happy.  Casey was withdrawn most of the time, but I attributed it to his quiet personality or depression.  He was working a ton of overtime, so I knew he was tired.  And then he found out his office was closing.  He refused to go to therapy with me or take any kind of medication.  I just about drove myself crazy with what-if scenarios, but I always tried to give him space instead of nagging him with questions... 

I felt rejected and resented.  I felt incapable of making him happy.  I was trying my hardest and it was never good enough.  Until one day, I found out it had nothing to do with me.  Casey had checked out of our marriage when he left on New Year's Eve, and he never checked back in.

I don't know what the future holds for us.  I know that I will keep moving forward for my babes and I know that there is more to life than my marriage. 

Thanks for reading today.  Please keep all "I told you so's" to yourselves.